Whiskey Nap: The Misadventures of a Stay-At-Home Dad.

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

The Hairstyle Hierarchy

       For most guys, there are basic hairstyles to fashion yourself with. The bald look. Easy. You shave your head via clippers or razor and that's it. No barbers, stylists or the outrageous fees that accompany their visits. The part. Whether down the middle or on the side, this is a common classy look. Easy. Throw a bit of gel in it to keep the wet look or, if you have better hair, let it dry and it miraculously stays like that until the next morning.  The hat. My personal favorite. I have a hat for every occasion. The work hat, the casual hat and the dress hat (all of which have some sort of Boston sports insignia strewn across the front). If the occasion is too formal for the hat, I throw in some gel and avoid mirrors at all cost. To avoid being douchebag bias, we'll include "the messy look". I don't want any orange-skinned, duck-lipped picture posing gentlemen thinking I have anything against them. As far as the hair department goes, the average male has it pretty easy.

       Into our life comes baby. Baby girl. Beautiful, innocent, loving, with a head full of hair that Mommy and Auntie and Nay Nay have such a pristine vision for.  If you stay-at-home dads do not share, nor possess the knowledge of how to materialize such visions, there are certain staples in female hairstyles that need to be learned if you are to ever be successful in the art of getting them "mommy ready".

THE PART

       Everyone with hair longer than an inch or two has a part. Little girls are no different. The two most common parts are down the middle (yes it's as easy as it sounds) or on the side. The side part can go on the left or right, with one long side and one short side. The part is essential for all lengths of hair. Assuming the child has hair beyond shoulder-length, the part is the gateway for most of the necessary hairstyles. I must note that, if long enough, the hair can go without a part, but let's just get the basics down before we go striving for Paul Mitchell status. In the words of the great Mr. Miyagi, "You want learn punch, Daniel-San? First learn balance."

THE PONYTAIL

       Seems simple.  Pull all of the hair back and throw a band in it. Voi la! To some, sure, easy as pie. To most fellas, no matter what you do, it just doesn't look quite right. I hate to disappoint, but I have no hidden secrets to divulge. It's just practice. No matter the type of part in the hair (or if it is straigh back), just keep brushing it back into your hand, where you should have the rest gathered, and get it tighter and tighter. This is better practiced when you have ample time on your hands and not before school when you are already 10 minutes late and your child looks like the Bride of Frankenstien. That, I can attest too. You also need a patient child. I suggest a favorite show or movie be put on when in a practice session. Once the ponytail is mastered, you have begun your journey.

THE CLIP/BOBBY PIN

       If you are like me and have lost the battle of the bangs, you need to learn how to pin those suckers back. This will help keep the hair out of her face, and the wifey out of yours.  This one is pretty simple.  Once the part is established and/or the ponytail is set, take the loose hair still dangling around and place it tight with the grain of the rest of her hair.  Take the clip or pin and slide it, one side going over all of the hair involved, the other under it as close to the scalp as you can. In my travels I have found that the clips that snap open and closed, or off and on, work the best. Open-ended pieces tend to take finer motor skills, which can be developed at a later time, when hair skills have been refined.

       If your wife/girlfriend comes home to a child who's hair is washed, brushed, parted, pulled back and clipped, she should be happy and borderline impressed. I might even go as far as suggesting some sort of gratuitous act to show here sincere appreciation. If your valiant attempt goes unnoticed or is taken for granted, may I suggest that all gratuitous acts toward said significant other be withheld until the hard work, practice and frustration put forth to make your little daddy's girl look beautiful be noticed. Good luck, guys.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Photographing Children

Not to blow my own horn, but I'm a pretty good photographer. Better than good. So good in fact, people actually pay me to do it. I get compliments on my work all of the time and people are amazed by some of the shots I manage to capture of their children. I am frequently asked by friends, family and other parents many different questions with the number one question being "what is the secret?" Well hold onto your horses cow pokes because I am about to give away the biggest secrets a baby and child photographer has. You all knew there was a secret, but nobody ever blabbed about it; like a secret button on the camera or a program that is super secret that has to be passed from professional to professional. Well I assure you that there are no magic or secret buttons, nor is there a program to make all of your photos look professional, though there are some that come very close but are mis-used by amateurs. The real three part secret to taking incredible children's photographs is as follows:

1. Know how to work your camera.
When I say know how to work it, I mean you should be able to make adjustments on the fly, without looking. Your kid could not care less that you really want these pictures to come out better than your pretentious asshole brother's Christmas card photo, so you have to be able to make adjustments quick to get the shot you are looking for. The best photos are lost in the moments you are looking at your camera and fumbling with the buttons, so learn to work your camera with the same skill and ability as you have when you wake up to piss at 3 in the morning. If you're the type who can's take a piss on auto-pilot without peeing all over yourself or the floor, especially if you're a woman, you have bigger issues than taking pictures and should be back in the group home for a little longer before tackling society.

2. Keep the camera up to your eye at all times.

You child, unless he/she is a lazy little fatty who will do your bidding for candy or gravy in a sippy cup, has the attention span and energy of a coked up hummingbird. They stop occasionally and 90% of the time, its when you take the camera away from your eye. If you want their attention, employ a friend or an assistant. Don't be a hero, as it will just result in shitty pictures.

3. Be lucky.

No, really, be lucky. Photographing children is like roulette. You are the player, the child is the casino. The house wins 99% of the time. If your kid saw something that he didn't like moments before the shoot; the session is going to suck! Sees something behind you that distracts him? The session is going to suck! His outfit is itchy? Knock knock...who's there? Its going to suck! Truth be told, there are untold numbers of ways that a child can non-verbally tell you to fuck off when you ask them to "sit still" or "hold on for just one more good shot". If you are truly lucky, you can parlay one of those instances into a cute photo, but the odds are completely stacked against you! Luck comes into play if you want to have a go at making a living as a children's photographer. Were you born with a penis? If so, you may as well just give up and focus on photographing food in a dark warehouse. Don't want to do that? Well, You are going to have to get married and have children, or at the very least, have children of your own with a willing female that you can practice on. Shoot them morning noon and night. Every landmark occasion, every dumb activity, and every stupid face they make. Build a portfolio that way and then you can move on to your friends' children if you prove to be good enough. I should also mention that even if you are a man with children and thousands of great photos of them; if your children are ugly, you're back to the warehouse with your fruit. I'm an overweight, bald, loudmouth, but because my girls are freakishly adorable, people who hire me to shoot their children look past those qualities in hopes that I can make their children appear as beautiful as mine. Once you have clients, you need to be lucky to get the ones who have cute kids. So far, I have been lucky on this front too. Cute kids make better pictures. Better pictures make more people want to hire you!

Those are the secrets! Get out there and make me proud!