Pervert Elf

I knew he was a pervert!

In the summer, he runs a youth football camp at Penn State

Scumbag Elf: Father of The Year

"Just shut up and act natural sweetie and you will
get your precious dolly back in one piece."

Toy of the Year!

This weekend, the family and I took a day trip with some friends to Kringle Candle in Bernardston MA. (Its a real town, I swear; in the part of Massachusetts where it is more important to have a truck than a full set of teeth or a grade school education.) While there, the kids and I had a blast going through their on-site toy department. The place was set up to look like a functioning Santa's Workshop, with all of the toys for sale looking like they could have been manufactured by the Jolly old elf himself. Very few things for sale there required batteries, in fact, a large percentage of the toys for sale were high quality wood or composite. They did have some modern toys, but they were mostly along the lines of Melissa and Doug... Toys that fed the kid's imagination as well as their insatiable need to be entertained 100% of the time. While we were there, we made a discovery so awesome, that we purchased it on the spot due to both of our girls being fascinated by it. Had we bothered to do a quick search on our phones, we would have found it much cheaper than they were selling it for, but that doesn't change the fact that I am naming it My toy pick of the year.
Presenting the Buddha Board. Available in several colors, the BBoard is a great way to keep your little brats entertained while ensuring they don't make a mess. It's a slate board and bamboo brush that uses water to "paint". It's laptop-esque design makes it great for travel and it dries quickly enough to keep them painting over and over, but not so fast that their art disappears before they can finish.
I must admit, the BBoard has become a favorite of mine to play with as well as it is strangely settling to my ADHD brain! Like their website says, Buddha Board is based on the Zen concept of living in the moment.  I'm a big fan! (oh, the girls like it too!)

I'm not receiving anything for this glowing review of this product that we love, but if anyone at the Buddha Board company is reading this...do the right thing! ;-)

Aspirations

I blame the Toys-r-us catalog and their McDonalds kitchen play-set for the outcome of this conversation.

"Daddy, when I grow up, I want to be a doctor who saves babies from cancer."

"Wow Sloane, a pediactric oncologist is a noble profession."

"Yeah, I know. Maybe i'll work at McDonalds instead."

"Gee Sloane, you really know how to knock a guy's pride down a peg."

On the plus side, at least she's keeping her options WIDE open

Dah, dah, dah, dah, dah... oncology!

Guest Entry

Today I am offering up a nugget of funny from an equally twisted and funny woman-daddy (some people know this species as a "mommy") I first met Cassy and her husband Chris, long before they had their adorable daughter Charlotte, when they tapped me to photograph their wedding and engagement. We often ask ourselves "why do we not hang out with these awesome people?" because they are very similar to us in many respects. Well, we have formed a long-term facebook-exclusive friendship with them because Cassy doesn't drive (she grew up in the city where a car is just an unnecessary expense) and when Chris is around, they have a life. (damn show-offs) Oh we also live almost two hours from them, and even our closest friends will only make the trek 2 times a year! OK, that's enough of the storied history of the Paquette-Morin connection, time to get to the point. This morning she posted something on facebook that hit home:

Since Charlotte watches very little TV, it proves to be a great distraction when I take a shower because she is always so engrossed in it. However, the past few days she has had the need to come into the bathroom every few minutes to let me know what's going on. Here's what she said today:
- Oh no mommy, water fell off the couch!
- Mommy, watch me go potty!
- Abby Cadabby's on!
- Mommy, look, an eyelash!

- You okay, Mommy?
- I'm watching Sesame Street!
- All clean, mommy?
- Tissue please!

- Mommy, watch me go potty again!

I am taking the time to write this to reply to her with a sad reality: This may be a new thing for Charlie, but know that it is only the beginning! Soon she will discover the art of flushing the toilet while you are in the shower, sneaking up on you and scaring the hell out of you, and of course, announcing that she is doing something destructive, thus forcing you to do a nude 40 yard dash through the house to avoid the repercussions of whatever it is she decided to destroy!.

Good Luck!

I Need A Play Cafe

If you were to ask me what I miss most about living in Massachusetts, I would seriously put The Great Escape Play Cafe at the top of my list. Now, there are a lot of places in the area around me that cater to young kids, but they seriously do not compare. Why, there is a place less than a mile from my front door, but it has no real amenities; its basically a retail space with pastel walls filled with a few toys and art supplies, yet they still manage to charge $8 per kid for admission. I'm sorry, but I'm not paying $16 bucks for my kids to play with the same toys they have at home.

Welcome to Kidz Fun Zone.
(all patrons must sign a waiver as there is broken glass, literally, all over the place)
Please don't expect much from the staff, they're not "all-there" if you know what I mean

---

The other popular option, of which there are about a dozen in the area, is "inflatable playgrounds". Yup, bounce houses; indoors. The nicest of these places in this area has a seating area in the front, with a rather depressing "Cafe", while the worst of these places is THE SAME EXACT THING! As an adult, you're paying $10 per kid to develop a nice pounding headache.

I would happily punch a baby to make the pain stop

"Where does the headache come in", you ask? Well, for those of you familiar with how an inflatable bounce house works, you know that there is a big blower that constantly supplies air to what is essentially a large semi-porous balloon that smells like plastic and vomit residue. That blower isn't really all that loud when you are near one that is outdoors, however, move that same blower indoors, into a space with some type of sound reflecting walls (because it would just kill the owner's bottom line to put up a little g-damn sound dampening, right?), and multiply it by between 10 to 20 blowers, and you have a very loud mid-tone hum that permeates your skull and pokes at the part of your brain that headaches are made. On top of the sound, there are the children shrieking in either horror or excitement depending on the exact moment in time. Another down side is that these places are popular with day camps and other large groups of kids, usually between 8 and 12 years old, and as the father of the two year old who just wants to go up and down the slide, I am constantly finding myself holding back the urge to punch a child squarely in the face for not paying attention and stepping-on, knocking over, or landing on my little bean. Don't even get me started on the "caretakers" or "counselors" that accompany these little beasts. I think what I don't like most about these places is that they might as well be rolling in field that has been flooded by an overflowing cesspool. Lets be realistic for a minute; these places host birthday parties on weekends. Birthday parties where kids are filled with pizza and sugar and then told to "go jump up and down for a while". Yup, that sounds like a great idea to me! I think its safe to assume that every square inch of these places is as clean as a men's room floor.

This doesn't occur in or near the restroom
at an inflatable playground  

---

The final location for indoor play that I will talk about is the ever popular, ever crowded mall play area, or "the yard" as I like to refer to it. At any given time, of any given day, this squishy-floored oasis of mid-mall rumpus time is full; usually with kids who are too old to be there. Late Wednesday morning on a school day; there is an unsupervised 9 year old in the corner with a pack of smokes rolled up in his sleeve and a cold icy look in his eyes that just scream out "I've seen some shit go down in my time." You want to ask him why he is not in school, but you also don't want to be knifed in front of your children by someone who won't face jail time and will probably hunt you down after the fact to finish the job.

"You bitches see the big tree, the turtle and the bunny? That's my corner and you best remember that less you wanna get cut"

If the threat of aggravated assault at the hands of a pre-pubescent boy doesn't scare you off, the overall sanitary conditions should. The first thing you notice is bare feet; dozens of bare feet on kids who will likely be, or have been, sent home from school  due to "hygiene issues." These little petri dishes that they call feet come in contact with every surface in the play area. EVERY SURFACE. This ensures that if your child didn't enter with a fungal infection, they are sure as shit leaving with one!

"Mama calls it my sexy feet spray to make my itchies go away!"

---

This brings me to my happy place. The Great Escape. There are many reasons that we love this place, but I have narrowed it down to three major points. They are as follows:

The People 

For some strange reason, most of the people I met there, especially Olga, were more receptive to me than any other place I have been around here. I'm a large bald man with a full beard. Most moms see me on the playground and peg me as a walking Amber Alert. I never felt that there. I would often be invited into conversations with complete strangers on a wide range of topics. Here, it seems, speaking to me or at the very least, eye-contact for a brief moment, is too much for most to handle. I end up being like the kid on the other side of the fence watching the other kids play. Lucky for me, that side of the fence is the direction the walkers will be coming from and I'll have ample time to escape and plan my next step in survival! (In a zombie situation, always, ALWAYS befriend the first person with a beard that you see. He is manlier and your chances of survival improve ten-fold)

Ron Swanson WILL be the last man standing in a zombie apocalypse.

---

The Barrier

TGE has a large windowed wall separating the play area from the cafe. When you have kids that are old enough to play on their own in there, you could let them run free while you sit back, drink your latte and dream about days past when you didn't have these little parasites sucking the life out of you at every chance they got. It is peaceful, relaxing and just plain good. Even on a bad day, all is still good. The most you have to worry about is telling your kid to "get back in there and play." They even have monitors keeping track of the kids at play.  You really can't ask for more.

Daddy can't hear you sweetie pie, he's in his happy place now

---

The Cafe

Ok, I was wrong when I said you can't ask for more, because if you're there, you're going to order a coffee or a latte, or a cappuccino the size of a bath tub. And its all damn good too! They have a bunch of snack options for the kids that are, wickedly, placed in their line of sight, but aside from that minor "daddy-can-I-have..." flaw, It's perfect. They make great panini for the grown ups, and plenty of kid-friendly options for lunch time as well, but if your kids are like mine, you can order them whatever you want to eat because you're going to be the one finishing 90% of their meal. Aside from the great coffee and food, there is just a nice vibe about the space that makes it ideal to read a book, get a little work done, play a board game or just stare at the wall in relative peace without your kids tearing at your psyche!

From my experience, the answer is always "not enough"

---

That should give you a good idea of why I truly miss TGE, and why, one day I hope to emulate their vibe in a shop of my own where I rule with an iron fist or an indifferent shrug, depending on what mood i am in that day. 

Worst Toys of 2012

In an effort to help my fellow parents avoid wasting money this holiday season, I will be occasionally showing off the worst toys available for your dollar*. Like the t-shirts that get printed for the team that loses the Super Bowl in the event they were to win, many of these toys will be widely available in humanitarian drop boxes shortly after the holiday season.

"um...thank you?"

Quinn The Thief Strikes Again!

Thieving Toddler Sets Her Sights On Credit Union Lollipops

More addictive to a small child than crystal meth to white trash, Dum-Dums have
become a popular target for thieving toddlers looking for their next sugar fix.

Child Rule #2 Elaborated

Never assume you are alone. 

In a ongoing post called Child Rules, rule number 2 states: "A closed door is meaningless. If you wanted to use the toilet in peace, alone, you should have snuck in while i was not looking and securely locked the door as quietly as possible. If I know you're in there, I will scream; loudly and as long as it takes for me to get you to open the door and let me in." This morning, was no exception. Its about as often as the girls putting themselves both down for a 3 hour voluntary nap that I get to take a long, relaxing shower, but this morning the opportunity presented itself and I jumped on it like Honey Boo Boo's mama on something deep fried and covered in syrup and the antidote to feeling shame. All was well in the house as I stood still, the hot water splashing my face and the only sound to be heard was that of the shower itself and the hum of the ceiling vent. If my life were a slasher movie, here is the point where i would have met my bloody, stabby death; "DADDY!" The tiny voice said loudly, snapping me out of my hot, sudsy trance. There with her face pressed firmly against the shower door was Sloane, as if startling me wasn't enough, she had to up the ante by creepily watching me for god-knows how long. 

"GET OUT" I yell. 

"I just wanted to say good morning, daddy" she replies with a smile.

"Good Morning Sloane, now get out" I say back to her.

"Good morning. where is mommy? is she with Quinn?" she says.

"If you go find her, you'll answer both questions" I tell her.

"but you can answer the question for me" she replies.

"Sloane, get out of the bathroom" I say and begin to shampoo my hair.

"Whats in your hair? Why is it blue?" she asks.

"Shampoo. Its green because its a special shampoo to get rid of dandruff" I Tell her.

"Whats dandruff" She says back

"Dandruff is flaky skin that falls off your head when it gets too dry" I tell her.

"Thats gross daddy" she tells me.

"It is, thats why I use the...wait, didn't I tell you to get out of here?" I say.

"Yes"

"Well why are you still here? for the love of god Sloane, I just want to finish my shower in peace, can you please just get the hell out of here and let me do that?" I plead with her.

"Thats all you had to say daddy." she says back to me with a snide tone.

"What?" I ask.

"Please" she says exiting the room. 

Moments later, she pops her head in the door to ask "Can I pleeeeeeeeeeeeease take a shower after you?" fully understanding that she is driving me crazy on purpose. Her wit is only matched by her capacity for evil.

The lessons you should take away from this:

• Children will use anything and everything that you teach them to tear down your psyche. Its akin to having a therapist spend the last 15 minutes of every session ridiculing and insulting you based on what they learned about you in the first 45 minutes.

• Lock your damn doors. Incessant knocking is better than the alternative. 

  

Just think of them as sweetened Cheerios

It's Sunday morning! Care to see a neat trick? Give your kids a bowl of Lucky Charms or any sweetened oat cereal featuring marshmallows and watch them remove and eat said marshmallows with near-surgical precision, leaving you with a bowl of what is essentially sweetened cheerios. Pour on some cold milk and enjoy your perfectly sweetened breakfast while you watch your kids spin out of control from their sugar high and then crash in the form of a tantrum/melt down. It's like giving a speed freak a little meth and then locking him in a room with no more meth. First, they beg for more. Next they get angry and start to cry. This is followed by an epic meltdown that cannot be stopped; it has to run its course naturally. Finally, they fall into a restful/remorseful state. This is an attempt to garner sympathy and get more of the treat they desire. Don't fall for it. For future reference, give them a banana and some toast: It won't be as much fun to watch, but its better for them, and their reaction won't piss off your neighbors.  

This is what lucky charms look like when their luck has run out.

Sour Grapes

Why the hell did I not think of this first? I'm a photographer. I'm a dad. I have a really twisted sense of humor. I'm irritated that making a funny calendar via Kickstarter has never crossed my mind.  Not only has this guy made a nice chunk of change off his project (I'm guessing he cleared 5 grand after expenses) but he has also got national exposure from it via various news outlets. That means, he will undoubtedly be publishing this calendar on a large scale. What irk's me the most: his use of HDR (High Dynamic Range) Photography. Its bad enough when people use the process on landscapes, but to apply it to photos of people is just plain awful. 

And he still has 6 more days to go as of this posting!

That settles it. I'm doing a kickstarter project!


Eh, never mind, i'm already distracted!

Lil' Cheater

I let Sloane deal the UNO cards while I got lunch ready today. That was a big mistake. I managed to get 9 cards instead of 8, and they were all red and green. Meanwhile, she miraculously got the four wild cards in the deck as well as the four +2 cards. I've got to teach this kid how to cheat properly!

A room full if useless crap!

My kids have everything two little girls could ever wish for. Toys, art supplies, dress up clothes, and a tv of their own. An that's just in their play room. With everything they have, what is Quinn's favorite thing to do when given the opportunity to play with all she has, stand behind me while I'm doing dishes and punching me in the butt over and over again. When she gets bored with that, she grabs a carrot and proceeds to draw on the wall. So parents, don't spend money on your kids, hand them whatever will make the biggest mess and simply accept that they will destroy your home regardless of what you give to distract them.