The World's Greatest Grocery Store

I was daydreaming today while grocery shopping, all by myself, about what the perfect grocery store would have for those of us who typically have to shop with kids attached to us. Ideally, there would be some sort of supervised play area before you even step into the market itself. Walking into the store all by yourself is a glorious feeling, so having a separate entrance for the play area would allow that feeling upon every visit. If that is not possible, here is a list of features that are easily added to existing supermarkets to make a parent's trip a little sweeter.

1. Shopping cart crotch guards.
   If you are a man and you have ever pushed a shopping cart with a toddler in it, you have been kicked squarely in the junk at least once in your life. If you're like me, its far from a rare occurrence and you really don't like pushing the cart in an arched-over position to protect your naughty bits from the shod feet of a toddler.  Well friend-o, fret no more because the Crotch Guard is here to help. Simply remove the Crotch Guard from the display bin, or rack, clip onto the cart and viola, the child can now only swing her feet a few inches, and your nether regions are pain free for the duration of your trip. Done shopping? Un-clip Crotch Guard and place it in the collection bin.
2. Phone clips for shopping carts.
   Face it; you want to be there with your kid as much as they want to be there with you. A kid who doesn't want to be some place will remind you repeatedly for the duration of your time at said-place. That's where the phone clip comes into place. Clip your phone into place, turn on a movie and their hands are free to eat samples and not get your phone covered in goo. and that brings us to...
3. Non-messy food samples at every other isle.
   Supermarkets hate people who bring kids with them. I can prove this simply by listing the things that they give out as samples regularly: Chocolate Klondike bars, strange colored yogurt, Cheetos...they may as well give out jars of India ink with defective tops or cut out the hassle and simply have an employee standing at a tub or ranch dressing smear handfuls onto your kid's clothes. From now on, I'd like to see things like plain white popcorn, goldfish crackers, uncooked pasta. Place them every other isle so that the kids stay distracted and fed for the whole trip.
   A separate store for flowers and balloons:
4. Leave the flowers and balloons to the florists. I don't want to cause a tantrum because I have to say no to the Dora balloon clipped to the damn meat counter. What is it doing at the meat counter? Baiting kids with balloons so that parents wanting to avoid a tantrum will buy them is a dick-move.
5. Real liquor.
   I'm not a "beer guy", I'm a "Tequila Guy" Your row of Anheuser-Busch bush products does nothing for me. Sell the good stuff at the grocery store so that I don't have to be the deadbeat asshole who brings his kids into the liquor store. 
6. Plain, industrial-looking packaging on everything marketed to kids.

That should do it.

Do you hear me grocery stores? Hook a father up!

Quinn The Thief Strikes Again!

Thieving Toddler Sets Her Sights On Credit Union Lollipops

More addictive to a small child than crystal meth to white trash, Dum-Dums have
become a popular target for thieving toddlers looking for their next sugar fix.

AKA "Quinny Goodtimes" Master Thief

Today we had a humorously eventful trip to CVS to pick up a few necessities. Upon entering the store and grabbing a basket, Quinn grabbed one too. Without missing a beat, she made her way to the candy display, her basket in tow, and began to grab whatever was at her level to fill it up. This took all of about 15 seconds, or the time it took me to scan my Extracare card to see if I had any discounts. As much as it displeased her, i proceeded to empty her basket back onto the shelves and carry her around for the duration of our visit. When we arrived at the register, I paid for our things and the cashier commented on how cute Quinn was and we said good bye. At this point, I need to put Quinn down because my hands were too full to carry her. That's when she made her move. She saw someone entering the store and thought it would be a perfect opportunity. She ran to the snickers display and proceeded to grab as many as she could handle, and then some, and make toward the open door, dropping the excess snickers bars behind her every three feet or so, clenching onto two of them with her tiny hands to ensure that her heist yielded at least something. Out the door and around the side of our building toward the car, leaving me behind to repeatedly apologize and reassure them that I'll bring back the candy. I made a dash for her, being careful not to squish the 5 or 6 candy bars she was unable to hold onto and caught up to her half way to the car. I grabbed her and brought her, as well as the dropped candy, back into the store to the sound of hysterical laughter from the staff behind the counter who applauded her determination but condemned her actions. In the end, we left the store with our things and she was given a snack sized snickers from a very amused manager. I have mixed feelings on the lesson that she learned, that if you don't get away with the crime, you at least get a consolation prize, but I suppose we have plenty of time to teach her not to steal things!

"Yeah I did it; and I'll do it again, see!"

Just think of them as sweetened Cheerios

It's Sunday morning! Care to see a neat trick? Give your kids a bowl of Lucky Charms or any sweetened oat cereal featuring marshmallows and watch them remove and eat said marshmallows with near-surgical precision, leaving you with a bowl of what is essentially sweetened cheerios. Pour on some cold milk and enjoy your perfectly sweetened breakfast while you watch your kids spin out of control from their sugar high and then crash in the form of a tantrum/melt down. It's like giving a speed freak a little meth and then locking him in a room with no more meth. First, they beg for more. Next they get angry and start to cry. This is followed by an epic meltdown that cannot be stopped; it has to run its course naturally. Finally, they fall into a restful/remorseful state. This is an attempt to garner sympathy and get more of the treat they desire. Don't fall for it. For future reference, give them a banana and some toast: It won't be as much fun to watch, but its better for them, and their reaction won't piss off your neighbors.  

This is what lucky charms look like when their luck has run out.

Screw you, that's my apple!

I don't care if its bigger than my head or that its the last one and you really wanted it...I'm taking it, taking one bite and throwing on the floor. Why? Because screw you, that's why! The same reason I took bubble solution and rubbed it all over my head!
Update: We're waiting at the bus stop for Sloane to get home and Quinn is chowing on this apple like its fried cake. I'm not even going to try to take it from her until she passes out half way through eating it.

Child Rules

Below are a list of rules that my girls have organically developed over the years. I will be periodically adding to the list, so check back often!

1. If my sister has it, I want it. If I do not recieve what she has in a timely manner, I will scream; loudly and as long as it takes for me to get what it is that she has.
2. A closed door is meaningless. If you wanted to use the toilet in peace, alone, you should have snuck in while i was not looking and securely locked the door as quietly as possible. If I know you're in there, I will scream; loudly and as long as it takes for me to get you to open the door and let me in.
3. I love my sister unconditionally. Unless you are in the room or within hearing distance. In this case, we are mortal enemies.
4. "Daddy, do you want to play a game with me?" really means "Hey daddy, we're playing UNO again, for the next hour and a half whether you like it or not. I understand the rules just fine until they do not benefit me, at which point I will cheat with no remorse."
5. "I make up the rules as we go along; deal with it."
6. If I can whine about it, I will.
7. Weekends: Up before the sun as to not waste a moment of precious play time! 
8. School Days: I'll wake up when i'm damn good and ready!
9. Thanks for changing my diaper, NOW DO IT AGAIN BIATCH, I just dropped a fresh deuce! 
10. When given a brand new outfit to wear, I see it as my duty to filth it up as quickly as possible.
11. "I'm not hungry" is a relative statement. Just because i'm not hungry for dinner, doesn't mean I don't have room for ice cream.
12. Never get too close with mommy, because I can have a nightmare at any time, and I'm programed to ruin your night at my discretion. 
13. It is my primary objective to make you miserable. 
14. I can sense which shows on tv that you hate and I will adopt said shows as my favorites. 
15. Whatever you cook for dinner, I do not want.   

A room full if useless crap!

My kids have everything two little girls could ever wish for. Toys, art supplies, dress up clothes, and a tv of their own. An that's just in their play room. With everything they have, what is Quinn's favorite thing to do when given the opportunity to play with all she has, stand behind me while I'm doing dishes and punching me in the butt over and over again. When she gets bored with that, she grabs a carrot and proceeds to draw on the wall. So parents, don't spend money on your kids, hand them whatever will make the biggest mess and simply accept that they will destroy your home regardless of what you give to distract them.