Quinn The Thief Strikes Again!

Thieving Toddler Sets Her Sights On Credit Union Lollipops

More addictive to a small child than crystal meth to white trash, Dum-Dums have
become a popular target for thieving toddlers looking for their next sugar fix.

Child Rule #2 Elaborated

Never assume you are alone. 

In a ongoing post called Child Rules, rule number 2 states: "A closed door is meaningless. If you wanted to use the toilet in peace, alone, you should have snuck in while i was not looking and securely locked the door as quietly as possible. If I know you're in there, I will scream; loudly and as long as it takes for me to get you to open the door and let me in." This morning, was no exception. Its about as often as the girls putting themselves both down for a 3 hour voluntary nap that I get to take a long, relaxing shower, but this morning the opportunity presented itself and I jumped on it like Honey Boo Boo's mama on something deep fried and covered in syrup and the antidote to feeling shame. All was well in the house as I stood still, the hot water splashing my face and the only sound to be heard was that of the shower itself and the hum of the ceiling vent. If my life were a slasher movie, here is the point where i would have met my bloody, stabby death; "DADDY!" The tiny voice said loudly, snapping me out of my hot, sudsy trance. There with her face pressed firmly against the shower door was Sloane, as if startling me wasn't enough, she had to up the ante by creepily watching me for god-knows how long. 

"GET OUT" I yell. 

"I just wanted to say good morning, daddy" she replies with a smile.

"Good Morning Sloane, now get out" I say back to her.

"Good morning. where is mommy? is she with Quinn?" she says.

"If you go find her, you'll answer both questions" I tell her.

"but you can answer the question for me" she replies.

"Sloane, get out of the bathroom" I say and begin to shampoo my hair.

"Whats in your hair? Why is it blue?" she asks.

"Shampoo. Its green because its a special shampoo to get rid of dandruff" I Tell her.

"Whats dandruff" She says back

"Dandruff is flaky skin that falls off your head when it gets too dry" I tell her.

"Thats gross daddy" she tells me.

"It is, thats why I use the...wait, didn't I tell you to get out of here?" I say.

"Yes"

"Well why are you still here? for the love of god Sloane, I just want to finish my shower in peace, can you please just get the hell out of here and let me do that?" I plead with her.

"Thats all you had to say daddy." she says back to me with a snide tone.

"What?" I ask.

"Please" she says exiting the room. 

Moments later, she pops her head in the door to ask "Can I pleeeeeeeeeeeeease take a shower after you?" fully understanding that she is driving me crazy on purpose. Her wit is only matched by her capacity for evil.

The lessons you should take away from this:

• Children will use anything and everything that you teach them to tear down your psyche. Its akin to having a therapist spend the last 15 minutes of every session ridiculing and insulting you based on what they learned about you in the first 45 minutes.

• Lock your damn doors. Incessant knocking is better than the alternative. 

  

Child Rules

Below are a list of rules that my girls have organically developed over the years. I will be periodically adding to the list, so check back often!

1. If my sister has it, I want it. If I do not recieve what she has in a timely manner, I will scream; loudly and as long as it takes for me to get what it is that she has.
2. A closed door is meaningless. If you wanted to use the toilet in peace, alone, you should have snuck in while i was not looking and securely locked the door as quietly as possible. If I know you're in there, I will scream; loudly and as long as it takes for me to get you to open the door and let me in.
3. I love my sister unconditionally. Unless you are in the room or within hearing distance. In this case, we are mortal enemies.
4. "Daddy, do you want to play a game with me?" really means "Hey daddy, we're playing UNO again, for the next hour and a half whether you like it or not. I understand the rules just fine until they do not benefit me, at which point I will cheat with no remorse."
5. "I make up the rules as we go along; deal with it."
6. If I can whine about it, I will.
7. Weekends: Up before the sun as to not waste a moment of precious play time! 
8. School Days: I'll wake up when i'm damn good and ready!
9. Thanks for changing my diaper, NOW DO IT AGAIN BIATCH, I just dropped a fresh deuce! 
10. When given a brand new outfit to wear, I see it as my duty to filth it up as quickly as possible.
11. "I'm not hungry" is a relative statement. Just because i'm not hungry for dinner, doesn't mean I don't have room for ice cream.
12. Never get too close with mommy, because I can have a nightmare at any time, and I'm programed to ruin your night at my discretion. 
13. It is my primary objective to make you miserable. 
14. I can sense which shows on tv that you hate and I will adopt said shows as my favorites. 
15. Whatever you cook for dinner, I do not want.