Its not all hidden treasure that confirms that my child is a 40 year old alcoholic in a 2 year old body, its also her mannerisms and movements. As I write this, she is sitting on an inflatable lady bug chair, watching the ceiling fan while attempting to eat granola out of a small bowl. She seems to be taking it on faith that the bowl is still where it was when she started, because she has not turned her head away from the fan at all. Her tiny arm flops to the side and begins to feel around, eventually grabbing a handful and blindly moving it back toward her mouth and indiscriminately dropping the crunchy treat in the area above her mouth. for every piece that lands in her mouth, about 5 or 6 land on her face, belly, neck, chair, and she genuinely does not care! This is something I could picture honey boo boo's mama doing with a ladle and a crock of gravy.
Walking is also a treat to observe. Some days, she walks with grace and purpose...most days, she walks like a zombie walking on a water bed. I'm worried that one day, her drunken stumbling will lead to a hilarious minor injury; perhaps a Chris Foley-esque fall onto a play table, crushing all in her path. If you are fortunate enough to witness such an event, the puke walk is concrete evidence of her true self. This is when you watch your child throw up a little bit, as she is walking, and not being phased by it one bit; not even so much as an acknowledgement of what just happened. As nonchalant as passing wind whilst walking down the street. Second to this phenomena is the casual puke. This is where she will be sitting doing something, perhaps eating but not necessarily, and just throws up without warning, and then casually proceeds with her business, as if she had only burped. Those confuse me the most.
Whats almost as bad as their involuntary mouth discharge is what comes out of the other end. I'm assuming most of those reading this have changed a diaper or two in their lives, and in doing so, have experienced an "OH MY DEAR LORD" moment at least once. I am convinced that, once a month, the toddler body reprocesses everything that the child eats and tells their body that they just got off a wild night of drinking a whole 40 pack of Ice House tall boys. It doesn't matter what you fed them, or how much of it they ate: their body is going to perform a magic show, and you are the lucky attendee. If you have ever been to college, you know what the dorm or apartment bathroom smells like on Sunday morning/afternoon after a keg party where you and your roommates shattered your personal records. Now take that stench and concentrate it into a diaper-sized space. When it comes time to open and change that atrocity of human biology, you need an open window, a full package of wipes, and the ability to put it out of your mind right away, as there are going to be 3 or four more peppered throughout your day.
Perhaps my favorite "drunken" behavior of my 2 year old is the spontaneous nap. These are the rarest, but they are the most appreciated because they involve no cleaning and you get a break for a short time. Typically, these come on like this: Quinn will approach me and speak to me in gibberish, and follow it up with a scream and then a calm statement, also in gibberish. (One day, I hope to decipher the meaning.) This is followed up by one of two actions: 1. She gestures to me to pick her up and she falls asleep almost instantly in my arms. 2. She lays in the spot where she is standing and passes out cold.
I know that these are not actions that are unique to my child and that most 2 year olds are little drunkards at heart. If you have a story, share it! I'm sure everyone would love to read it!
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