Photographing Children

Not to blow my own horn, but I'm a pretty good photographer. Better than good. So good in fact, people actually pay me to do it. I get compliments on my work all of the time and people are amazed by some of the shots I manage to capture of their children. I am frequently asked by friends, family and other parents many different questions with the number one question being "what is the secret?" Well hold onto your horses cow pokes because I am about to give away the biggest secrets a baby and child photographer has. You all knew there was a secret, but nobody ever blabbed about it; like a secret button on the camera or a program that is super secret that has to be passed from professional to professional. Well I assure you that there are no magic or secret buttons, nor is there a program to make all of your photos look professional, though there are some that come very close but are mis-used by amateurs. The real three part secret to taking incredible children's photographs is as follows:

1. Know how to work your camera. 
When I say know how to work it, I mean you should be able to make adjustments on the fly, without looking. Your kid could not care less that you really want these pictures to come out better than your pretentious asshole brother's Christmas card photo, so you have to be able to make adjustments quick to get the shot you are looking for. The best photos are lost in the moments you are looking at your camera and fumbling with the buttons, so learn to work your camera with the same skill and ability as you have when you wake up to piss at 3 in the morning. If you're the type who can's take a piss on auto-pilot without peeing all over yourself or the floor, especially if you're a woman, you have bigger issues than taking pictures and should be back in the group home for a little longer before tackling society. 

2. Keep the camera up to your eye at all times. 

You child, unless he/she is a lazy little fatty who will do your bidding for candy or gravy in a sippy cup, has the attention span and energy of a coked up hummingbird. They stop occasionally and 90% of the time, its when you take the camera away from your eye. If you want their attention, employ a friend or an assistant. Don't be a hero, as it will just result in shitty pictures. 

3. Be lucky. 

No, really, be lucky. Photographing children is like roulette. You are the player, the child is the casino. The house wins 99% of the time. If your kid saw something that he didn't like moments before the shoot; the session is going to suck!  Sees something behind you that distracts him? The session is going to suck! His outfit is itchy? Knock knock...who's there? Its going to suck! Truth be told, there are untold numbers of ways that a child can non-verbally tell you to fuck off when you ask them to "sit still" or "hold on for just one more good shot". If you are truly lucky, you can parlay one of those instances into a cute photo, but the odds are completely stacked against you! Luck comes into play if you want to have a go at making a living as a children's photographer. Were you born with a penis? If so, you may as well just give up and focus on photographing food in a dark warehouse. Don't want to do that? Well, You are going to have to get married and have children, or at the very least, have children of your own with a willing female that you can practice on. Shoot them morning noon and night. Every landmark occasion, every dumb activity, and every stupid face they make. Build a portfolio that way and then you can move on to your friends' children if you prove to be good enough. I should also mention that even if you are a man with children and thousands of great photos of them; if your children are ugly, you're back to the warehouse with your fruit. I'm an overweight, bald, loudmouth, but because my girls are freakishly adorable, people who hire me to shoot their children look past those qualities in hopes that I can make their children appear as beautiful as mine. Once you have clients, you need to be lucky to get the ones who have cute kids. So far, I have been lucky on this front too. Cute kids make better pictures. Better pictures make more people want to hire you! 

Those are the secrets! Get out there and make me proud!

Pervert Elf

I knew he was a pervert!

In the summer, he runs a youth football camp at Penn State

The Scumbag Photographer

I'm going to make you a star!

"You know what would look good?
If you took your top off slowly.
The lighting will make them wicked artistic." 

Scumbag Elf 4: Worst of the Worst

Never date a Flyers fan; even if she shaves her mustache.

Indefensible Mr. Elf, indefensible. 

Scumbag Elf 3: The Extremist

Oh Elf, how could you?

Ironically, he's not edible pork until he's dead!

Scumbag Elf: Father of The Year

"Just shut up and act natural sweetie and you will
get your precious dolly back in one piece."

Presenting: The Adventures of Scumbag Elf

Its every Space Ranger's worst nightmare!

Sweetie? Are you back there? Surpri... Oh god... Oh god!
You're a whore! You're a dirty whore! And you! I trusted you! 

Very Pissed Daddy

So this evening, after my wife came home from work, I took a shower and then sat down at my computer to a slew of open messages. The unifying topic: "did you make a Facebook page for your girls?" This was followed by the same question from my wife who added, "I just got a friend request from our girls." I checked it out, and sure enough, there was a profile set up in my daughters' names, featuring photos of them, intentionally misspelled status updates and open friend requests to everyone that I know. The person responsible even went as far as liking Whiskey Nap on Facebook. At this point, I was fuming and could only think about choking-out whomever was responsible.  My first order of business was to report it. To my surprise, FB had taken the profile down immediately while someone reviewed the report. This would later become a full removal of it all together. My next order of business was to update the privacy settings on my account; nobody aside from my "friends" can see or, more importantly, download any of my pictures to use in such a way ever again. I suppose now the only thing left to do is sit and wait till whom ever the dip-shit is cops to being responsible. I have a few theories.

The sad thing is, it was not a bad idea: a profile in my kids names to provide "their point of view" on the shit they put me through on a daily basis could have been pretty damn funny. If only the person had given me the idea or at the very least gotten my blessing. (That's assuming that this was the work of someone that I know.)

Toy of the Year!

This weekend, the family and I took a day trip with some friends to Kringle Candle in Bernardston MA. (Its a real town, I swear; in the part of Massachusetts where it is more important to have a truck than a full set of teeth or a grade school education.) While there, the kids and I had a blast going through their on-site toy department. The place was set up to look like a functioning Santa's Workshop, with all of the toys for sale looking like they could have been manufactured by the Jolly old elf himself. Very few things for sale there required batteries, in fact, a large percentage of the toys for sale were high quality wood or composite. They did have some modern toys, but they were mostly along the lines of Melissa and Doug... Toys that fed the kid's imagination as well as their insatiable need to be entertained 100% of the time. While we were there, we made a discovery so awesome, that we purchased it on the spot due to both of our girls being fascinated by it. Had we bothered to do a quick search on our phones, we would have found it much cheaper than they were selling it for, but that doesn't change the fact that I am naming it My toy pick of the year.
Presenting the Buddha Board. Available in several colors, the BBoard is a great way to keep your little brats entertained while ensuring they don't make a mess. It's a slate board and bamboo brush that uses water to "paint". It's laptop-esque design makes it great for travel and it dries quickly enough to keep them painting over and over, but not so fast that their art disappears before they can finish.
I must admit, the BBoard has become a favorite of mine to play with as well as it is strangely settling to my ADHD brain! Like their website says, Buddha Board is based on the Zen concept of living in the moment.  I'm a big fan! (oh, the girls like it too!)

I'm not receiving anything for this glowing review of this product that we love, but if anyone at the Buddha Board company is reading this...do the right thing! ;-)