For the love of god, September isn't even over yet!

Why? Why are they already selling Christmas candy?

Just think of them as sweetened Cheerios

It's Sunday morning! Care to see a neat trick? Give your kids a bowl of Lucky Charms or any sweetened oat cereal featuring marshmallows and watch them remove and eat said marshmallows with near-surgical precision, leaving you with a bowl of what is essentially sweetened cheerios. Pour on some cold milk and enjoy your perfectly sweetened breakfast while you watch your kids spin out of control from their sugar high and then crash in the form of a tantrum/melt down. It's like giving a speed freak a little meth and then locking him in a room with no more meth. First, they beg for more. Next they get angry and start to cry. This is followed by an epic meltdown that cannot be stopped; it has to run its course naturally. Finally, they fall into a restful/remorseful state. This is an attempt to garner sympathy and get more of the treat they desire. Don't fall for it. For future reference, give them a banana and some toast: It won't be as much fun to watch, but its better for them, and their reaction won't piss off your neighbors.  

This is what lucky charms look like when their luck has run out.

There's a reason for this...

Dressing them alike makes them slightly less terrifying. The little one has murder in her eyes...or at the very least the desire to destroy or make a mess of something around the house.

Just a warning...

This morning I was allowed to sleep in: 7:15! Upon emerging from the bedroom I was greeted with the words: "just a warning; I gave Quinn a banana this morning and she either ate it really fast or it's somewhere hidden in one of these rooms."
I suppose I'll know for sure if we are overtaken by a fog of fruit flies. Stay tuned for updates!

UPDATE: I found the banana! It was in the refrigerator. (See photo)

Sour Grapes

Why the hell did I not think of this first? I'm a photographer. I'm a dad. I have a really twisted sense of humor. I'm irritated that making a funny calendar via Kickstarter has never crossed my mind.  Not only has this guy made a nice chunk of change off his project (I'm guessing he cleared 5 grand after expenses) but he has also got national exposure from it via various news outlets. That means, he will undoubtedly be publishing this calendar on a large scale. What irk's me the most: his use of HDR (High Dynamic Range) Photography. Its bad enough when people use the process on landscapes, but to apply it to photos of people is just plain awful. 

And he still has 6 more days to go as of this posting!

That settles it. I'm doing a kickstarter project!


Eh, never mind, i'm already distracted!

Lil' Cheater

I let Sloane deal the UNO cards while I got lunch ready today. That was a big mistake. I managed to get 9 cards instead of 8, and they were all red and green. Meanwhile, she miraculously got the four wild cards in the deck as well as the four +2 cards. I've got to teach this kid how to cheat properly!

I give up...

At this point, I think that the president (or anybody on the left) could propose tougher punishments on pedophiles and introduce a law that you cannot piss on a newborn child in malice and the GOP would shoot him down. Yet he is the one who is "failing the country". The Daily Show typically makes me laugh, but in this case, I got angry! (ok, so i laughed too.)

Screw you, that's my apple!

I don't care if its bigger than my head or that its the last one and you really wanted it...I'm taking it, taking one bite and throwing on the floor. Why? Because screw you, that's why! The same reason I took bubble solution and rubbed it all over my head!
Update: We're waiting at the bus stop for Sloane to get home and Quinn is chowing on this apple like its fried cake. I'm not even going to try to take it from her until she passes out half way through eating it.

Child Rules

Below are a list of rules that my girls have organically developed over the years. I will be periodically adding to the list, so check back often!

1. If my sister has it, I want it. If I do not recieve what she has in a timely manner, I will scream; loudly and as long as it takes for me to get what it is that she has.
2. A closed door is meaningless. If you wanted to use the toilet in peace, alone, you should have snuck in while i was not looking and securely locked the door as quietly as possible. If I know you're in there, I will scream; loudly and as long as it takes for me to get you to open the door and let me in.
3. I love my sister unconditionally. Unless you are in the room or within hearing distance. In this case, we are mortal enemies.
4. "Daddy, do you want to play a game with me?" really means "Hey daddy, we're playing UNO again, for the next hour and a half whether you like it or not. I understand the rules just fine until they do not benefit me, at which point I will cheat with no remorse."
5. "I make up the rules as we go along; deal with it."
6. If I can whine about it, I will.
7. Weekends: Up before the sun as to not waste a moment of precious play time! 
8. School Days: I'll wake up when i'm damn good and ready!
9. Thanks for changing my diaper, NOW DO IT AGAIN BIATCH, I just dropped a fresh deuce! 
10. When given a brand new outfit to wear, I see it as my duty to filth it up as quickly as possible.
11. "I'm not hungry" is a relative statement. Just because i'm not hungry for dinner, doesn't mean I don't have room for ice cream.
12. Never get too close with mommy, because I can have a nightmare at any time, and I'm programed to ruin your night at my discretion. 
13. It is my primary objective to make you miserable. 
14. I can sense which shows on tv that you hate and I will adopt said shows as my favorites. 
15. Whatever you cook for dinner, I do not want.   

A room full if useless crap!

My kids have everything two little girls could ever wish for. Toys, art supplies, dress up clothes, and a tv of their own. An that's just in their play room. With everything they have, what is Quinn's favorite thing to do when given the opportunity to play with all she has, stand behind me while I'm doing dishes and punching me in the butt over and over again. When she gets bored with that, she grabs a carrot and proceeds to draw on the wall. So parents, don't spend money on your kids, hand them whatever will make the biggest mess and simply accept that they will destroy your home regardless of what you give to distract them.

Its been a long time...

Wow, my last post on this was november of 2011. ALMOST a full year! That is some major league slacking. Hopefully, with the proper demand and motivation, I'll keep it up this time, maybe get enough traffic to get advertisers. Let the games begin!