Fatherly Pride

My friend Zach has a 4 year old daughter, and like myself, isn't afraid to expose her to topics that some would see as inappropriate for children. Below is a recent conversation between the two while on a drive.

Irie: "daddy we have to prepare for the zombies."
Zach: "ok how do we do that?"
Irie: "I know how to kill them."
Zach: "really?"
Irie: "you have to destroy the brain"

Thank heaven for little girls,
for little girls kill walkers every day!

Knowing Zach, this was the equivalent to the level of pride one would take in their children if they were to ask to give away their toys to the poor. I can picture his eyes welling up and a single tear rolling down his cheek, because if my oldest had said this, that's exactly how I would react.

This has nothing to do with a 4 year old,
but boy oh boy what a zombie hunter!
JINKIES!

Aspirations

I blame the Toys-r-us catalog and their McDonalds kitchen play-set for the outcome of this conversation.

"Daddy, when I grow up, I want to be a doctor who saves babies from cancer."

"Wow Sloane, a pediactric oncologist is a noble profession."

"Yeah, I know. Maybe i'll work at McDonalds instead."

"Gee Sloane, you really know how to knock a guy's pride down a peg."

On the plus side, at least she's keeping her options WIDE open

Dah, dah, dah, dah, dah... oncology!

Guest Entry

Today I am offering up a nugget of funny from an equally twisted and funny woman-daddy (some people know this species as a "mommy") I first met Cassy and her husband Chris, long before they had their adorable daughter Charlotte, when they tapped me to photograph their wedding and engagement. We often ask ourselves "why do we not hang out with these awesome people?" because they are very similar to us in many respects. Well, we have formed a long-term facebook-exclusive friendship with them because Cassy doesn't drive (she grew up in the city where a car is just an unnecessary expense) and when Chris is around, they have a life. (damn show-offs) Oh we also live almost two hours from them, and even our closest friends will only make the trek 2 times a year! OK, that's enough of the storied history of the Paquette-Morin connection, time to get to the point. This morning she posted something on facebook that hit home:

Since Charlotte watches very little TV, it proves to be a great distraction when I take a shower because she is always so engrossed in it. However, the past few days she has had the need to come into the bathroom every few minutes to let me know what's going on. Here's what she said today:
- Oh no mommy, water fell off the couch!
- Mommy, watch me go potty!
- Abby Cadabby's on!
- Mommy, look, an eyelash!

- You okay, Mommy?
- I'm watching Sesame Street!
- All clean, mommy?
- Tissue please!

- Mommy, watch me go potty again!

I am taking the time to write this to reply to her with a sad reality: This may be a new thing for Charlie, but know that it is only the beginning! Soon she will discover the art of flushing the toilet while you are in the shower, sneaking up on you and scaring the hell out of you, and of course, announcing that she is doing something destructive, thus forcing you to do a nude 40 yard dash through the house to avoid the repercussions of whatever it is she decided to destroy!.

Good Luck!

I Need A Play Cafe

If you were to ask me what I miss most about living in Massachusetts, I would seriously put The Great Escape Play Cafe at the top of my list. Now, there are a lot of places in the area around me that cater to young kids, but they seriously do not compare. Why, there is a place less than a mile from my front door, but it has no real amenities; its basically a retail space with pastel walls filled with a few toys and art supplies, yet they still manage to charge $8 per kid for admission. I'm sorry, but I'm not paying $16 bucks for my kids to play with the same toys they have at home.

Welcome to Kidz Fun Zone.
(all patrons must sign a waiver as there is broken glass, literally, all over the place)
Please don't expect much from the staff, they're not "all-there" if you know what I mean

---

The other popular option, of which there are about a dozen in the area, is "inflatable playgrounds". Yup, bounce houses; indoors. The nicest of these places in this area has a seating area in the front, with a rather depressing "Cafe", while the worst of these places is THE SAME EXACT THING! As an adult, you're paying $10 per kid to develop a nice pounding headache.

I would happily punch a baby to make the pain stop

"Where does the headache come in", you ask? Well, for those of you familiar with how an inflatable bounce house works, you know that there is a big blower that constantly supplies air to what is essentially a large semi-porous balloon that smells like plastic and vomit residue. That blower isn't really all that loud when you are near one that is outdoors, however, move that same blower indoors, into a space with some type of sound reflecting walls (because it would just kill the owner's bottom line to put up a little g-damn sound dampening, right?), and multiply it by between 10 to 20 blowers, and you have a very loud mid-tone hum that permeates your skull and pokes at the part of your brain that headaches are made. On top of the sound, there are the children shrieking in either horror or excitement depending on the exact moment in time. Another down side is that these places are popular with day camps and other large groups of kids, usually between 8 and 12 years old, and as the father of the two year old who just wants to go up and down the slide, I am constantly finding myself holding back the urge to punch a child squarely in the face for not paying attention and stepping-on, knocking over, or landing on my little bean. Don't even get me started on the "caretakers" or "counselors" that accompany these little beasts. I think what I don't like most about these places is that they might as well be rolling in field that has been flooded by an overflowing cesspool. Lets be realistic for a minute; these places host birthday parties on weekends. Birthday parties where kids are filled with pizza and sugar and then told to "go jump up and down for a while". Yup, that sounds like a great idea to me! I think its safe to assume that every square inch of these places is as clean as a men's room floor.

This doesn't occur in or near the restroom
at an inflatable playground  

---

The final location for indoor play that I will talk about is the ever popular, ever crowded mall play area, or "the yard" as I like to refer to it. At any given time, of any given day, this squishy-floored oasis of mid-mall rumpus time is full; usually with kids who are too old to be there. Late Wednesday morning on a school day; there is an unsupervised 9 year old in the corner with a pack of smokes rolled up in his sleeve and a cold icy look in his eyes that just scream out "I've seen some shit go down in my time." You want to ask him why he is not in school, but you also don't want to be knifed in front of your children by someone who won't face jail time and will probably hunt you down after the fact to finish the job.

"You bitches see the big tree, the turtle and the bunny? That's my corner and you best remember that less you wanna get cut"

If the threat of aggravated assault at the hands of a pre-pubescent boy doesn't scare you off, the overall sanitary conditions should. The first thing you notice is bare feet; dozens of bare feet on kids who will likely be, or have been, sent home from school  due to "hygiene issues." These little petri dishes that they call feet come in contact with every surface in the play area. EVERY SURFACE. This ensures that if your child didn't enter with a fungal infection, they are sure as shit leaving with one!

"Mama calls it my sexy feet spray to make my itchies go away!"

---

This brings me to my happy place. The Great Escape. There are many reasons that we love this place, but I have narrowed it down to three major points. They are as follows:

The People 

For some strange reason, most of the people I met there, especially Olga, were more receptive to me than any other place I have been around here. I'm a large bald man with a full beard. Most moms see me on the playground and peg me as a walking Amber Alert. I never felt that there. I would often be invited into conversations with complete strangers on a wide range of topics. Here, it seems, speaking to me or at the very least, eye-contact for a brief moment, is too much for most to handle. I end up being like the kid on the other side of the fence watching the other kids play. Lucky for me, that side of the fence is the direction the walkers will be coming from and I'll have ample time to escape and plan my next step in survival! (In a zombie situation, always, ALWAYS befriend the first person with a beard that you see. He is manlier and your chances of survival improve ten-fold)

Ron Swanson WILL be the last man standing in a zombie apocalypse.

---

The Barrier

TGE has a large windowed wall separating the play area from the cafe. When you have kids that are old enough to play on their own in there, you could let them run free while you sit back, drink your latte and dream about days past when you didn't have these little parasites sucking the life out of you at every chance they got. It is peaceful, relaxing and just plain good. Even on a bad day, all is still good. The most you have to worry about is telling your kid to "get back in there and play." They even have monitors keeping track of the kids at play.  You really can't ask for more.

Daddy can't hear you sweetie pie, he's in his happy place now

---

The Cafe

Ok, I was wrong when I said you can't ask for more, because if you're there, you're going to order a coffee or a latte, or a cappuccino the size of a bath tub. And its all damn good too! They have a bunch of snack options for the kids that are, wickedly, placed in their line of sight, but aside from that minor "daddy-can-I-have..." flaw, It's perfect. They make great panini for the grown ups, and plenty of kid-friendly options for lunch time as well, but if your kids are like mine, you can order them whatever you want to eat because you're going to be the one finishing 90% of their meal. Aside from the great coffee and food, there is just a nice vibe about the space that makes it ideal to read a book, get a little work done, play a board game or just stare at the wall in relative peace without your kids tearing at your psyche!

From my experience, the answer is always "not enough"

---

That should give you a good idea of why I truly miss TGE, and why, one day I hope to emulate their vibe in a shop of my own where I rule with an iron fist or an indifferent shrug, depending on what mood i am in that day. 

26 lbs of Adorable Destruction

A silent child is always up to something they shouldn't be doing. I'll write that again because it bears repeating: A silent child is always up to something they shouldn't be doing.

I'm afraid you dont fully understand what I said.
A silent child is always up to something they shouldn't be doing. 

15 seconds is all the time she needs to create havoc. I turned my back on Quinn to make space on a shelf for a pan I had just finished cleaning and in this time, she went to town on a loaf of bread. She impressively poked a hole in every slice of what was a brand new loaf this morning, and she did so silently, a mere inches from where I stood. I blame myself for underestimating her destructive awesomeness. Now I have to go to the grocery store once again for more bread.

The World's Greatest Grocery Store

I was daydreaming today while grocery shopping, all by myself, about what the perfect grocery store would have for those of us who typically have to shop with kids attached to us. Ideally, there would be some sort of supervised play area before you even step into the market itself. Walking into the store all by yourself is a glorious feeling, so having a separate entrance for the play area would allow that feeling upon every visit. If that is not possible, here is a list of features that are easily added to existing supermarkets to make a parent's trip a little sweeter.

1. Shopping cart crotch guards.
   If you are a man and you have ever pushed a shopping cart with a toddler in it, you have been kicked squarely in the junk at least once in your life. If you're like me, its far from a rare occurrence and you really don't like pushing the cart in an arched-over position to protect your naughty bits from the shod feet of a toddler.  Well friend-o, fret no more because the Crotch Guard is here to help. Simply remove the Crotch Guard from the display bin, or rack, clip onto the cart and viola, the child can now only swing her feet a few inches, and your nether regions are pain free for the duration of your trip. Done shopping? Un-clip Crotch Guard and place it in the collection bin.
2. Phone clips for shopping carts.
   Face it; you want to be there with your kid as much as they want to be there with you. A kid who doesn't want to be some place will remind you repeatedly for the duration of your time at said-place. That's where the phone clip comes into place. Clip your phone into place, turn on a movie and their hands are free to eat samples and not get your phone covered in goo. and that brings us to...
3. Non-messy food samples at every other isle.
   Supermarkets hate people who bring kids with them. I can prove this simply by listing the things that they give out as samples regularly: Chocolate Klondike bars, strange colored yogurt, Cheetos...they may as well give out jars of India ink with defective tops or cut out the hassle and simply have an employee standing at a tub or ranch dressing smear handfuls onto your kid's clothes. From now on, I'd like to see things like plain white popcorn, goldfish crackers, uncooked pasta. Place them every other isle so that the kids stay distracted and fed for the whole trip.
   A separate store for flowers and balloons:
4. Leave the flowers and balloons to the florists. I don't want to cause a tantrum because I have to say no to the Dora balloon clipped to the damn meat counter. What is it doing at the meat counter? Baiting kids with balloons so that parents wanting to avoid a tantrum will buy them is a dick-move.
5. Real liquor.
   I'm not a "beer guy", I'm a "Tequila Guy" Your row of Anheuser-Busch bush products does nothing for me. Sell the good stuff at the grocery store so that I don't have to be the deadbeat asshole who brings his kids into the liquor store. 
6. Plain, industrial-looking packaging on everything marketed to kids.

That should do it.

Do you hear me grocery stores? Hook a father up!

Quinn The Thief Strikes Again!

Thieving Toddler Sets Her Sights On Credit Union Lollipops

More addictive to a small child than crystal meth to white trash, Dum-Dums have
become a popular target for thieving toddlers looking for their next sugar fix.

AKA "Quinny Goodtimes" Master Thief

Today we had a humorously eventful trip to CVS to pick up a few necessities. Upon entering the store and grabbing a basket, Quinn grabbed one too. Without missing a beat, she made her way to the candy display, her basket in tow, and began to grab whatever was at her level to fill it up. This took all of about 15 seconds, or the time it took me to scan my Extracare card to see if I had any discounts. As much as it displeased her, i proceeded to empty her basket back onto the shelves and carry her around for the duration of our visit. When we arrived at the register, I paid for our things and the cashier commented on how cute Quinn was and we said good bye. At this point, I need to put Quinn down because my hands were too full to carry her. That's when she made her move. She saw someone entering the store and thought it would be a perfect opportunity. She ran to the snickers display and proceeded to grab as many as she could handle, and then some, and make toward the open door, dropping the excess snickers bars behind her every three feet or so, clenching onto two of them with her tiny hands to ensure that her heist yielded at least something. Out the door and around the side of our building toward the car, leaving me behind to repeatedly apologize and reassure them that I'll bring back the candy. I made a dash for her, being careful not to squish the 5 or 6 candy bars she was unable to hold onto and caught up to her half way to the car. I grabbed her and brought her, as well as the dropped candy, back into the store to the sound of hysterical laughter from the staff behind the counter who applauded her determination but condemned her actions. In the end, we left the store with our things and she was given a snack sized snickers from a very amused manager. I have mixed feelings on the lesson that she learned, that if you don't get away with the crime, you at least get a consolation prize, but I suppose we have plenty of time to teach her not to steal things!

"Yeah I did it; and I'll do it again, see!"

I had a wonderful dream!

If there were more of her, I wouldn't be forced to play UNO ever again!

Child Rule #2 Elaborated

Never assume you are alone. 

In a ongoing post called Child Rules, rule number 2 states: "A closed door is meaningless. If you wanted to use the toilet in peace, alone, you should have snuck in while i was not looking and securely locked the door as quietly as possible. If I know you're in there, I will scream; loudly and as long as it takes for me to get you to open the door and let me in." This morning, was no exception. Its about as often as the girls putting themselves both down for a 3 hour voluntary nap that I get to take a long, relaxing shower, but this morning the opportunity presented itself and I jumped on it like Honey Boo Boo's mama on something deep fried and covered in syrup and the antidote to feeling shame. All was well in the house as I stood still, the hot water splashing my face and the only sound to be heard was that of the shower itself and the hum of the ceiling vent. If my life were a slasher movie, here is the point where i would have met my bloody, stabby death; "DADDY!" The tiny voice said loudly, snapping me out of my hot, sudsy trance. There with her face pressed firmly against the shower door was Sloane, as if startling me wasn't enough, she had to up the ante by creepily watching me for god-knows how long. 

"GET OUT" I yell. 

"I just wanted to say good morning, daddy" she replies with a smile.

"Good Morning Sloane, now get out" I say back to her.

"Good morning. where is mommy? is she with Quinn?" she says.

"If you go find her, you'll answer both questions" I tell her.

"but you can answer the question for me" she replies.

"Sloane, get out of the bathroom" I say and begin to shampoo my hair.

"Whats in your hair? Why is it blue?" she asks.

"Shampoo. Its green because its a special shampoo to get rid of dandruff" I Tell her.

"Whats dandruff" She says back

"Dandruff is flaky skin that falls off your head when it gets too dry" I tell her.

"Thats gross daddy" she tells me.

"It is, thats why I use the...wait, didn't I tell you to get out of here?" I say.

"Yes"

"Well why are you still here? for the love of god Sloane, I just want to finish my shower in peace, can you please just get the hell out of here and let me do that?" I plead with her.

"Thats all you had to say daddy." she says back to me with a snide tone.

"What?" I ask.

"Please" she says exiting the room. 

Moments later, she pops her head in the door to ask "Can I pleeeeeeeeeeeeease take a shower after you?" fully understanding that she is driving me crazy on purpose. Her wit is only matched by her capacity for evil.

The lessons you should take away from this:

• Children will use anything and everything that you teach them to tear down your psyche. Its akin to having a therapist spend the last 15 minutes of every session ridiculing and insulting you based on what they learned about you in the first 45 minutes.

• Lock your damn doors. Incessant knocking is better than the alternative. 

  

Just think of them as sweetened Cheerios

It's Sunday morning! Care to see a neat trick? Give your kids a bowl of Lucky Charms or any sweetened oat cereal featuring marshmallows and watch them remove and eat said marshmallows with near-surgical precision, leaving you with a bowl of what is essentially sweetened cheerios. Pour on some cold milk and enjoy your perfectly sweetened breakfast while you watch your kids spin out of control from their sugar high and then crash in the form of a tantrum/melt down. It's like giving a speed freak a little meth and then locking him in a room with no more meth. First, they beg for more. Next they get angry and start to cry. This is followed by an epic meltdown that cannot be stopped; it has to run its course naturally. Finally, they fall into a restful/remorseful state. This is an attempt to garner sympathy and get more of the treat they desire. Don't fall for it. For future reference, give them a banana and some toast: It won't be as much fun to watch, but its better for them, and their reaction won't piss off your neighbors.  

This is what lucky charms look like when their luck has run out.

Lil' Cheater

I let Sloane deal the UNO cards while I got lunch ready today. That was a big mistake. I managed to get 9 cards instead of 8, and they were all red and green. Meanwhile, she miraculously got the four wild cards in the deck as well as the four +2 cards. I've got to teach this kid how to cheat properly!

Child Rules

Below are a list of rules that my girls have organically developed over the years. I will be periodically adding to the list, so check back often!

1. If my sister has it, I want it. If I do not recieve what she has in a timely manner, I will scream; loudly and as long as it takes for me to get what it is that she has.
2. A closed door is meaningless. If you wanted to use the toilet in peace, alone, you should have snuck in while i was not looking and securely locked the door as quietly as possible. If I know you're in there, I will scream; loudly and as long as it takes for me to get you to open the door and let me in.
3. I love my sister unconditionally. Unless you are in the room or within hearing distance. In this case, we are mortal enemies.
4. "Daddy, do you want to play a game with me?" really means "Hey daddy, we're playing UNO again, for the next hour and a half whether you like it or not. I understand the rules just fine until they do not benefit me, at which point I will cheat with no remorse."
5. "I make up the rules as we go along; deal with it."
6. If I can whine about it, I will.
7. Weekends: Up before the sun as to not waste a moment of precious play time! 
8. School Days: I'll wake up when i'm damn good and ready!
9. Thanks for changing my diaper, NOW DO IT AGAIN BIATCH, I just dropped a fresh deuce! 
10. When given a brand new outfit to wear, I see it as my duty to filth it up as quickly as possible.
11. "I'm not hungry" is a relative statement. Just because i'm not hungry for dinner, doesn't mean I don't have room for ice cream.
12. Never get too close with mommy, because I can have a nightmare at any time, and I'm programed to ruin your night at my discretion. 
13. It is my primary objective to make you miserable. 
14. I can sense which shows on tv that you hate and I will adopt said shows as my favorites. 
15. Whatever you cook for dinner, I do not want.