The World's Greatest Grocery Store

I was daydreaming today while grocery shopping, all by myself, about what the perfect grocery store would have for those of us who typically have to shop with kids attached to us. Ideally, there would be some sort of supervised play area before you even step into the market itself. Walking into the store all by yourself is a glorious feeling, so having a separate entrance for the play area would allow that feeling upon every visit. If that is not possible, here is a list of features that are easily added to existing supermarkets to make a parent's trip a little sweeter.

1. Shopping cart crotch guards.
   If you are a man and you have ever pushed a shopping cart with a toddler in it, you have been kicked squarely in the junk at least once in your life. If you're like me, its far from a rare occurrence and you really don't like pushing the cart in an arched-over position to protect your naughty bits from the shod feet of a toddler.  Well friend-o, fret no more because the Crotch Guard is here to help. Simply remove the Crotch Guard from the display bin, or rack, clip onto the cart and viola, the child can now only swing her feet a few inches, and your nether regions are pain free for the duration of your trip. Done shopping? Un-clip Crotch Guard and place it in the collection bin.
2. Phone clips for shopping carts.
   Face it; you want to be there with your kid as much as they want to be there with you. A kid who doesn't want to be some place will remind you repeatedly for the duration of your time at said-place. That's where the phone clip comes into place. Clip your phone into place, turn on a movie and their hands are free to eat samples and not get your phone covered in goo. and that brings us to...
3. Non-messy food samples at every other isle.
   Supermarkets hate people who bring kids with them. I can prove this simply by listing the things that they give out as samples regularly: Chocolate Klondike bars, strange colored yogurt, Cheetos...they may as well give out jars of India ink with defective tops or cut out the hassle and simply have an employee standing at a tub or ranch dressing smear handfuls onto your kid's clothes. From now on, I'd like to see things like plain white popcorn, goldfish crackers, uncooked pasta. Place them every other isle so that the kids stay distracted and fed for the whole trip.
   A separate store for flowers and balloons:
4. Leave the flowers and balloons to the florists. I don't want to cause a tantrum because I have to say no to the Dora balloon clipped to the damn meat counter. What is it doing at the meat counter? Baiting kids with balloons so that parents wanting to avoid a tantrum will buy them is a dick-move.
5. Real liquor.
   I'm not a "beer guy", I'm a "Tequila Guy" Your row of Anheuser-Busch bush products does nothing for me. Sell the good stuff at the grocery store so that I don't have to be the deadbeat asshole who brings his kids into the liquor store. 
6. Plain, industrial-looking packaging on everything marketed to kids.

That should do it.

Do you hear me grocery stores? Hook a father up!