Guest Entry

Today I am offering up a nugget of funny from an equally twisted and funny woman-daddy (some people know this species as a "mommy") I first met Cassy and her husband Chris, long before they had their adorable daughter Charlotte, when they tapped me to photograph their wedding and engagement. We often ask ourselves "why do we not hang out with these awesome people?" because they are very similar to us in many respects. Well, we have formed a long-term facebook-exclusive friendship with them because Cassy doesn't drive (she grew up in the city where a car is just an unnecessary expense) and when Chris is around, they have a life. (damn show-offs) Oh we also live almost two hours from them, and even our closest friends will only make the trek 2 times a year! OK, that's enough of the storied history of the Paquette-Morin connection, time to get to the point. This morning she posted something on facebook that hit home:

Since Charlotte watches very little TV, it proves to be a great distraction when I take a shower because she is always so engrossed in it. However, the past few days she has had the need to come into the bathroom every few minutes to let me know what's going on. Here's what she said today:
- Oh no mommy, water fell off the couch!
- Mommy, watch me go potty!
- Abby Cadabby's on!
- Mommy, look, an eyelash!

- You okay, Mommy?
- I'm watching Sesame Street!
- All clean, mommy?
- Tissue please!

- Mommy, watch me go potty again!

I am taking the time to write this to reply to her with a sad reality: This may be a new thing for Charlie, but know that it is only the beginning! Soon she will discover the art of flushing the toilet while you are in the shower, sneaking up on you and scaring the hell out of you, and of course, announcing that she is doing something destructive, thus forcing you to do a nude 40 yard dash through the house to avoid the repercussions of whatever it is she decided to destroy!.

Good Luck!

The World's Greatest Grocery Store

I was daydreaming today while grocery shopping, all by myself, about what the perfect grocery store would have for those of us who typically have to shop with kids attached to us. Ideally, there would be some sort of supervised play area before you even step into the market itself. Walking into the store all by yourself is a glorious feeling, so having a separate entrance for the play area would allow that feeling upon every visit. If that is not possible, here is a list of features that are easily added to existing supermarkets to make a parent's trip a little sweeter.

1. Shopping cart crotch guards.
   If you are a man and you have ever pushed a shopping cart with a toddler in it, you have been kicked squarely in the junk at least once in your life. If you're like me, its far from a rare occurrence and you really don't like pushing the cart in an arched-over position to protect your naughty bits from the shod feet of a toddler.  Well friend-o, fret no more because the Crotch Guard is here to help. Simply remove the Crotch Guard from the display bin, or rack, clip onto the cart and viola, the child can now only swing her feet a few inches, and your nether regions are pain free for the duration of your trip. Done shopping? Un-clip Crotch Guard and place it in the collection bin.
2. Phone clips for shopping carts.
   Face it; you want to be there with your kid as much as they want to be there with you. A kid who doesn't want to be some place will remind you repeatedly for the duration of your time at said-place. That's where the phone clip comes into place. Clip your phone into place, turn on a movie and their hands are free to eat samples and not get your phone covered in goo. and that brings us to...
3. Non-messy food samples at every other isle.
   Supermarkets hate people who bring kids with them. I can prove this simply by listing the things that they give out as samples regularly: Chocolate Klondike bars, strange colored yogurt, Cheetos...they may as well give out jars of India ink with defective tops or cut out the hassle and simply have an employee standing at a tub or ranch dressing smear handfuls onto your kid's clothes. From now on, I'd like to see things like plain white popcorn, goldfish crackers, uncooked pasta. Place them every other isle so that the kids stay distracted and fed for the whole trip.
   A separate store for flowers and balloons:
4. Leave the flowers and balloons to the florists. I don't want to cause a tantrum because I have to say no to the Dora balloon clipped to the damn meat counter. What is it doing at the meat counter? Baiting kids with balloons so that parents wanting to avoid a tantrum will buy them is a dick-move.
5. Real liquor.
   I'm not a "beer guy", I'm a "Tequila Guy" Your row of Anheuser-Busch bush products does nothing for me. Sell the good stuff at the grocery store so that I don't have to be the deadbeat asshole who brings his kids into the liquor store. 
6. Plain, industrial-looking packaging on everything marketed to kids.

That should do it.

Do you hear me grocery stores? Hook a father up!